That’s Not Beauty I Can Believe In!

Frances Martel

Warm, trusting bedroom eyes, an aquiline nose, and a smile that would melt any unsuspecting heart into a puddle of delirious complacency. The looks of a model and an outrageous personality that is more than big enough for our national spotlight. This election cycle has brought to the forefront of American politics the most attractive vice presidential candidate since Dan Quayle (unless you ask those who bought the John Edwards sleazy-chic look) — and in this unglamorous world of politics, those that prefer to watch the internal squabbling on MSNBC when they have access to a television tend to appreciate when a pretty thing comes by to brighten the scene. It’s unfortunate that everyone is too busy making fun of Sarah Palin’s incompetence to notice.

To be fair, Palin is one of two of the most attractive veeps to come to the forefront of a presidential campaign. And in a world where presidential campaigns last two years and issues are clubbed and beaten until they are neither relevant nor recognizable, for the common folks in this election it is easier to avoid exhausting their attention spans when the talking heads that moan and groan about how terrible America is have twinkling eyes or saucy lips. These are quite possibly the only reasons Anderson Cooper has a successful TV show and no one has fired horrifically inept McCain spokesman Tucker Bounds. Pretty people get all the breaks in politics, even if it doesn’t take much to be considered pretty in the distorted world of national power struggles.

At this point, it is difficult to believe that the McCain campaign is banking on anything other than aesthetics to win this race. Old photos of a debonair McCain in a military outfit seem easier to find than the ones that tell the truth of his image today. Yet McCain does not hold a candle to Governor Sarah Palin, who alone leads a venerable eye candy parade into this painful quadrennial ordeal. McCain/Palin henchmen have made the fact that Palin was once Miss Wasilla and almost won the title of Miss Alaska an unofficial talking point of the campaign, partly because people need to be reminded of her sex appeal, but mostly because it is only one of three bullet points on her resume (failed beauty queen, mayor of small town, governor of state with a small population). Talking about her extensive experience as a sports anchor for the local Alaskan news just isn’t as scintillating a prospect as having Miss Teen South Carolina be a very questionable heartbeat away from the presidency.

The Republican spin machine has conducted several miracle operations in the past, from G. Gordon Liddy’s Chinese-Motif prostitute houseboat to Swift Boat Veterans for Truth. But making Sarah Palin the belle of the ball and in the process throwing The Issues out the window for this election definitely takes the cake. This feat of distraction seems even more impressive since Joe Biden is a man who, as described in the introductory paragraph, has no reason to envy our fertile renegade snow princess! You might point out that he should envy her youth, but it is difficult to credit this argument when she is obviously not en route to a spectacular golden age herself. Let’s see what Palin looks like at Biden’s age before we start head-to-head comparisons, shall we?

America has been deceived into thinking a decent-looking woman with no experience in anything but child-rearing trumps a 35-year veteran of the senate with a smile that could bake Alaska. The only possible explanation for this misconception is that the one thing missing from Biden’s career is an official certification of his beauty. Nowhere on his resume is it stated that Joe Biden is smoldering hot, while, as mentioned before, 33 percent of Palin’s resume says only that.

At this point in the race, debating the issues regarding the vice presidential candidates is overkill. There is nothing to be said that is not painfully obvious to the naked political eye. But the sexiness department is definitely one where the resumes are competitive — indeed, it’s the one place where Biden may not 100 percent crush Palin and her herd.

Start popping the popcorn, because these vice presidential debates are going to make Jerry Springer look like Masterpiece Theatre..


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