The Flip-Flopper Calls Out Grumpy “Confused” McCain!

Frances Martel

A Comprehensive Call for McCain to Drop Out of The Race!
“McCain Call it Quits!”

John McCain, much like an old t-shirt that has been washed way too many times in the past thirty years, is falling apart at the seams. He has already confused the Sunni and Shia Muslims, threatened to send all America’s troops to the no-longer-in-existence Czechoslovakia, called himself a “liberal” by mistake and almost fell asleep in his own speech the day Barack Obama became the presumptive Democratic nominee. In the same week he released his first general election ad where he makes shocking declarations such as “I hate war” with sharp words like “fool” and “fraud” to describe those who do. The ad ranks slightly lower in effectiveness and quality than the legendary Sal “Chemical” Vega “Freedom Wagon” election clip.

None of this is surprising, however. McCain is well into his Golden Years and lacks a decent campaign staff behind him to help him out. In fact, when was the last time we saw any of McCain’s campaign staff on cable news? Hillary Clinton for President Chair Terry McAuliffe is still slobbering drunkenly all over our MSNBC and she isn’t even a nominee anymore (it is unclear whether McAuliffe has understood the news given his consistently altered state). Nor is it really offensive. “I hate war” isn’t a particularly controversial statement and anyone can forget that the Czech Republic and Slovakia haven’t been the same country for fifteen years.

His latest on-air gaff will be a little different to justify for the neo-conservatives than a case of faulty geography. On this morning’s Today Show, McCain, whose only positive attribute as a candidate is his status as a war hero and ex-prisoner of war, told the show’s cast that America’s troops serving in Iraq were “not too important,” and essentially declared that he could care less about the fate of any of the soldiers as long as they did not die. Upon registering the shock of the interviewer (or perhaps responding to behind-the-scenes panic by his campaign staff), McCain made a flimsy attempt to explain away his apathy for the well-being of our troops by mentioning the Trojan War or some other vague recollection from his childhood.

John McCain and his first wife Carol after a tragic accident ended her modeling career. McCain, distressed by his wife’s now merely mortal beauty, abandoned her for some sexy heiress shortly thereafter.

I honestly don’t believe McCain to have any malicious intent by believing that life and life alone- nevermind security, health care, liberty, the pursuit of happiness, etc- is what the United States owes to its most fervent patriots. The man is a patriot, a hard-worker, and at the end of the day a lover, not a hater (just ask the loyal wife he abandoned in 1980). But unfortunately in my naiveté I find myself in some seriously bad company: acclaimed wind-surfer and flip-flopper John Kerry.

The “Flip-Flopper” was quoted this morning as stating that he finds McCain to be “confused” and “unbelievably out of touch,” and later repeated his comments on the new #1 cable news show “Countdown with Keith Olbermann,” where he added that McCain is “debating himself on his own policies” and is “all over the place”. If Kerry would have used the kind of logic he employed today back when he was relevant in 2004, he might have won the election.

Wait, no he wouldn’t- his running mate would still have been a slimy ambulance chaser with a fake Southern accent.

Yet for once in his life, Kerry has said something worthwhile. He has accurately diagnosed the problem: confusion. dementia. lack of proper guidance. McCain’s unparalleled ability to misspeak and hurt his own campaign makes Spiro Agnew of “if you’ve seen one ghetto, you’ve seen them all” fame sound like Cicero. And his incompetent campaign committee is perhaps more to blame than anyone else. They have in their hands a candidate who plays Russian Roulette with his career with every sentence he speaks, that doesn’t have the required memory power to even recollect what the talking points are, that faces in the fall a candidate that can reduce hundreds of thousands to hysterical tears with one sentence: “Yes we can.” And what do the brilliant political minds at McCain HQ conclude? “Why don’t we take our decrepit nominee around the country and stand him next to the greatest American orator since Martin Luther King, Jr. for hours at a time, as many times as possible? Yeah, that’ll make him look good!”

Never mind what McCain is going to look like in his proposed town hall debates- will the campaign be able to keep McCain in one piece as he travels the country? Will they be able to keep him awake during these debates- nay, alive?

McCain campaign: Quit while you’re ahead. There is nothing dishonorable about resigning to the presidency before even achieving it. No one will be surprised, hurt, or disappointed should you drop out of the race now and march into the sunset of a remarkable, if not completely respectable, life. The results of the November elections will be no different (well, Congressman Dr. Ron Paul would be the default Republican nominee, I guess). Even Hillary dropped out for the good of democracy and no one holds it against her! It’s time to hang up the gloves, Ol’ Pop.